You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
