Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.