You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
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A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Worth a try
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right