Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.