Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.