You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality