Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses