Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best