You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
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My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.