You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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This will never not be funny 😭
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
💀💀💀💀
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS