You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”