Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

😂😂

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.