you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”