you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
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What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
me doing my best
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”