You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
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Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Dolls on drugs
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I love texting my boyfriend
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services