You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?