Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

I unironically love this joke.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

marvel comics have peaked

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*