You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
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My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Roombas should bark
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
are they though??
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question