You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
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ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
When news reporters do sports stories
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Britain be like
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover