Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.