You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Me too 😆
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
