You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
he chose this
*bites zombie*
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.