You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
You Might Also Like
get you a girl who
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.