You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
Sunday
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.