Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work