You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon