You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
me at the job i begged god for
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”