Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Feels like the fourth month in January

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.