Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership