Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.