You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck