You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35