You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
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me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.