You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
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My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
i did the math
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
This one, by a wide margin
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist