Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

welp

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.