@JJSummertime

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

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@offsidebastard

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

@Jacob_Swift16

A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house

@Brianhopecomedy

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

@skullcat

You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.

@iamfase

The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.

@david8hughes

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

@Parkerlawyer

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

@Ochie2S

Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*

@JimmerThatisAll

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things