You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.


A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house


My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.


You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.


The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.


[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]


Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.


Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*


When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things