You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name