You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
how it started vs how it ended
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.