You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.