You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name