You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.