You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.