You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Has there ever been a more American story?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
it’s finally my moment to shine
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Dear Lord..
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?