You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
This made me smile…
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
For those that worship cheese..
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know