You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
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*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
At ease
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
(Gaming support cat.)
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.