“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night