Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

#Caturday

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…