PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?