Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat