Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

I miss this era type of pranks😭

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life