You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.