Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

White Castle for the Win

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE