“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.