“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app
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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined