You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
#polloftheday
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re