You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*