Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971