Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

Sounds like a real hoot.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now