You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
my mind
You just read my mind
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Raisins are grape jerky.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
The government even made aliens boring