I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.