“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.