You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on