You had me at “define legal”.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’