You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
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Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.