You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
how high up are we talkin’?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.