Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
guys i’ve cracked the code
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on