How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
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me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Not helping
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho