“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.