Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.