You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
rise and shine we got egg
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan