You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
![]()
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
incredible
![]()
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!