You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
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wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.